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everything must change

Below are the 19 most recent journal entries.


  Friday the 17th, 2006
around 3:08pm
my show:

it would mean more than you could believe to me if you came. every/anyone at all.


  Thursday the 16th, 2006
around 6:38pm
"it is language that speaks, not the author."

deconstruction is just as limiting as modernism, and that's annoying.
and postmodernism is really bothering me too, because nothing is changing.
in my opinion, a critique should be a stepping stone to better something.
analyzing is great if you can find a way to use it.
I just wish there was a way to really use it outside of expression in media or simple lifestyle change.

How does a philosophy catch on?

Mood: lonely

  Friday the 10th, 2006
around 6:39pm

I have the best boyfriend ever.

Mood: loved

  Tuesday the 7th, 2006
around 8:23pm

So, nevermind. It's not easy for me to stay away from drinking right now. That's all I want to do.
just forget.
Chorus rehearsal reminded me of so, so much. I thought I was done being overcome by memories, but I'm not.
I started crying during the last few minutes and it just got worse. And I watched them singing. I guess I really shouldn't have.
I remembered the way he looked when he was 11 years old, and it killed me.
I remembered meeting them. I remembered all the time we spent together.
And every fucking thing we went through. It was so much more than most people have to.
Now I can't stop crying.
I just want to forget.


  Thursday the 23rd, 2006
around 5:11am

It's 5:11am now. I never did get back to sleep.
No, instead I decided to torture myself with dumb old memories. And then I went outside.
Because I'm a moron.
And I stood there, shaking, looking at the ground and wondering:
"Why doesn't anything ever really change?"


  Saturday the 18th, 2006
around 10:47am

Sun. April 2nd – Syracuse, NY @ “Spark Gallery” (1005 E Fayette St.) w/ “Late Sunday” 6 PM $5

ohhhhhhhhhhh i can't contain myself! this is my show and my poject! I just pulled this off the Marriage Records site! I can't wait, I can't wait, I can't wait!

Mood: ecstatic

  Wednesday the 1st, 2006
around 8:37pm

This was a very hard day.
I am the result of 16 years of  human experience.Collapse )

Mood: drained


  Tuesday the 31st, 2006
around 9:31pm
there's so much hope buried underneath tragedy

I sound like I'm dying.
But holy shit.
I can scream like I'm in CTTS..

I think this new band might be exactly what I've needed for the past, um, 16 years of my life.
I would have never guessed I could make that much noise.

Mood: excited

  Saturday the 21st, 2006
around 11:39am
don't be frightened by the storm

Last night I learned how much I can handle before losing my mind. Illness, finally giving up on old friends, a ton of dumb school things, very little alcohol, new realization & confession, and some really exciting things. I've seen a huge change in my life in just this past month. Thank you new year.

Alright. So.
I may be booking two shows in April. I have so much to do until then to make sure it goes well. But I'm ready for it, and at least I don't have to go about it alone... This show seems promising:

to quote adrian-
"Privacy (Kansas) (most beautiful songs sung by a woman) 
A John Henry Memorial (Minnesota) (most beautiful songs sun by a man) 
The Watery Graves of Portland (Pennsylvania) (most beautiful dancing on the furniture of the mind) 
Adrian Orange & The Moving Sky Thanksgiving Band (hullabaloo)"

Hopefully this will be Sunday, April 2nd at the Spark. Still in the works though.
I was going to book Slingshot Dakota to play this show, but today I got a message from them, and they need a date in the middle of the month. So that kind of fucks up my plan, but hopefully I'll be able to work something out.
Other news, I can't wait to see hot cross.

Aaaanyway, things are looking up!

Mood: cheerful

  Thursday the 12th, 2006
around 11:21am

If I can book these bands, I'll die. I swear to god. I don't think I could be happier. Can anyone help out? I've never booked a show before.


Mon. April 17th – TBA
Tue. April 18th – TBA
Wed April 19th – TBA
Thurs. April 20th – TBA
Fri. April 21st – TBA
Sat. April 22nd – TBA
Sun. April 23rd – TBA
Mon. April 24th – Bennington, VT @ Bennington College
Tue. April 25th – Montpelier, VT
Wed. April 26th – Burlington, VT
Thurs. April 27th – Plymouth, NH
Fri. April 28th – Portland, ME
Sat. April 29th – Boston, MA
Sun. April 30th – Easthampton, MA
Mon. May 1st – NYC, NY
Tue. May 2nd – Philadelphia, PA

listen to THANKSGIVING: http://www.marriagerecs.com/sound/youbelongtotheblood.mp3
listen to JASON ANDERSON: http://www.krecs.com/media/audio/jasonanderson_youfall.mp3

Mood: excited

  Sunday the 25th, 2005
around 7:40am
this is the first day of my life


if anyone needs me, i'll be in my room FOREVER with my new love<3 tascam dp01

Mood: excited

  Thursday the 8th, 2005
around 11:06pm
fill your heart with smoke

I can't handle it when this happens. Nothing will ever change...
not one thing. Not one real emotion, not any interaction. I don't know what I should be learning from that.
I never know what to say: I know if I even say anything at all, I'll regret it in a second. So there you have it, the reason that "i don't know" a single thing.

Mood: worthless

  Monday the 21st, 2005
around 2:09pm
if anyone has $30 and wants to make me fall in love with the world

Wow. It would truly make my life if I had this...


Part One:
“Fuck The World”
1.) Essences (1:51)
2.) Around The World (3:15)
3.) Thanksgiving (3:29)
4.) Fuck The World (1:02)
5.) Welcome Home Human (3:38)
6.) Dead Deer & Other Animals listen (3:23)
7.) In The Woods (5:05)
8.) Will You Bear My Dream? (1:55)
9.) You Don’t Know Me (1:48)
10.) Thanksgiving (3:38)

Part Two:
“I Am Yours”
11.) I Am Yours (3:26)
12.) The “In The Redwoods” (4:48)
13.) Remembering (2:40)
14.) I Know Who You Are (2:03)
15.) I Am Yours (Radio Version) (3:49)

Part Three:
“Welcome Home Human”
16.) Welcome Nowhere (2:26)
17.) Stay In Spring Field (5:39)
18.) You Say “We’re Alone” (2:52)
19.) What Do You Want Now Human (6:32)
20.) Building My House (5:29)
21.) Black paintings (2:40)
22.) Oregon (2:06)
23.) New Morning (4:15)
24.) Old Only To Be New Again (3:01)

one red one blue and one white 12”vinyl in full color triple gatefold jacket with cdr version of same and a little insert for $30 + shipping
if you want me to love you forever...


  Saturday the 19th, 2005
around 9:10am

I don't know what to say about last night, except:
some creepy kid asked for my autograph,
silos is doomed if we don't practice more,
& I don't want to play at the teen center ever again.

Mood: cranky

  Wednesday the 16th, 2005
around 4:21pm
the chapter is closed

Music is going to save my life.
There isn't much else I feel comfortable saying now, except that I'm making changes.
I'm cutting back on drinking.
I'm glad the school caught fire today.

Mood: okay

  Monday the 24th, 2005
around 9:53pm

I wish you had been my father.

Mood: drained

  Saturday the 22nd, 2005
around 4:19pm
A beautiful mess, stationary in space.

i know you didn't mean it and you're sorry that i left
i'll go right on pretending i've got nothing to regret
except all of the times we wasted getting only second best
you always seemed to lose the spark when i was only half undressed
i drove across a sea of ice to find my own command
the distance paid a lonesome price to see its motherland
now if you would unbuckle sir, receive your reprimand
and hey i'm sorry 'bout so much baby but i know you'll understand
i'm sorry 'bout so much baby but i know you'll understand

how can i ever apologize? i meant you no such harm
i never knew i could possess that fatal kind of charm
i just wanted to be good to you but i found i was disarmed
by a lifetime of disillusionment and the distraction of the stars

i abdicated now i'm just a prince without a land
my subjects all adore me but for this i have been banned
now could i trade my guilt for a good flogging by your hand?
and hey i'm sorry 'bout so much baby but i know you'll understand
i'm sorry 'bout so much baby but i know you'll understand

i can't understand why you refuse my one request
just to press against my weaponry and then lay bare your chest
challenges like these can be won or lost or laid to rest
now we both agree to separate from the lonely castle steps
the kingdom is destabilized, the watchtower unmanned
the bedroom lies abandoned and the future is unplanned
but we've got the past to remind us of what's chivalrous and grand
and hey i'm sorry 'bout so much baby but i know you'll understand
i'm sorry 'bout so much baby but i know you'll understand

Mood: gloomy

  Monday the 10th, 2005
around 2:16pm
there are times you can't make it alone

I knew going to the service was a bad idea. I knew it'd bring up all these old feelings.
But, to tell the truth, it wasn't a horrible trade-off. I'd gladly suffer my own awful traps to show a friend I'm here.
Pete, I'm sorry I don't have the words yet. When they come, you'll be the first to know. 

Mood: morose

  Sunday the 2nd, 2005
around 8:05pm
i wish we didn't have to go about things this way.


Mood: gloomy